Up or down?

Morning

I'm deep in a black hole right now. Standing on a ledge somewhere between the bottom and the top.
I'm hoping to start climbing back out instead of sliding down any further.

It's time to start using my blog again and hope it can shed some light on my crap.

Noon

I made it to the gym today, and i actually felt more energised whilst doing my circuit. I have also been doing well with the water today, and actually, come to think of it.....winter last year saw me struggling with my water input and also with my weightloss (although not as bad as this time)


Evening

Hmmm, not much fat dribbles out of skinless chicken thigh. I bought a sandwich press a few weeks ago and have had fun seeing all the fat run out of things like sausages and steak.....but like i said, hardly anything comes out of skinless chicken thigh and the colour of it is different.

What have i done today to make me feel proud?
Made my water intake. I've drunk more water today than i have in the last 2 months
I had no coke zero yesterday.

Remember: I can change my world.

xoxo
Thamlore

mojo

~Don't let your limitations exist.

~ Anon

What comes first, the motivation or the habit?

I'm pretty sure everyone around CK understands how important motivation is. It makes weight loss almost easy when we have it in abundance. But what about when it has left us?
Do we need to despair? Do we need to think we will never succeed?

After coming back from my trip i started back at the gym and fell ill after a few days. 2 weeks later i felt better and when i thought about heading to the gym i had a case of the 'couldn't be's'. A bit of bad news later and all of a sudden i was looking into a 6 week, no exercise black hole.

After a call from one of my gym trainers, i went in and had a little chat. I poured out everything. Surprisingly easy really. I told her i had no excuses, and that the no exercise was supported with mostly bad diet. I ended up promising that i would be in the next day and i turned up and went through the motions. Now i'm not even going into the reduced fitness area, i'll only say that it made me furious with myself.

I struggled through that session, and the next one as well. The one after that saw me a little more up beat. It was easier to put in the effort and was also easier to think about my food choices. But i still have no motivation.

So it got me thinking....How much reliance do we place on our mojo?
Will continueing our dailing routine be enough to keep us losing until it comes back for another visit or are we just marking time? Or do new healthy habits convince Mr Mojo to visit more often and for longer?

Can we really 'fake it till we make it' ?

Thamlore
Xoxo

Wednesday, 6th May 2009

*sigh*

Happy, but yet Sad!

Since my last blog i have been going over a lot of different plans, angles etc... All to try and get my mojo back. Unfortunately, it can't be faked and the 'fake it to you make it' mindset doesn't seem to work for me.
So i'm going to get the crap outta my head so i can maybe create some space to gain a new perspective.

Sad Why? Well every year i manage to lose and gain the same 4-5kg. I get stuck on invisible barriers. Obviously i have some sort of psychological thing i need to break through (seeing as how i always run into brick walls) but i can't seem to figure one out. Unless it is a fear of failure? which i'm not sure i would agree with, or even how i would deal with it if that was the case. I haven't been under the 120kg barrier in at least 11 years. I'm not scared of this, but yet i am not motivated by it either. There is no fire inside me.
Now i am not complaining about my gains in regards to food. I'm not doing the right things day after day. What i am looking for is the switch. When i am focused, it is so bloody easy it's not funny....but those times are getting fewer and farther between. I cannot succeed if i am only switched on for a day or 2.
*sigh*....i have always felt that i wouldn't be overweight for the rest of my life. I knew i would one day lose the weight. There again, maybe that is the reason it took me so long to start....maybe i thought it would just all fall in to place one day. Whatever it is, i don't like it. I am even becoming lazier. Since i first began CK, i really went for it in regards to working out. I was proud of that, and proud that others now speak to me and tell me that i am probably fitter than they are , even though i am still a lot larger than them. But i seem to be falling into a hole, i have the couldn't be's........


Happy Well this is what i try to focus on. Yes i am still in the same vacinity as i was in middle of Feb, but since the start of the year i am down 2 sizes and have even realised the problems i am having with my bras is that i need smaller ones....though not smaller cup sizes . My calf area looks smaller and the muscle is now clearly seen. My face looks thinner, my fingers rarely have the fat sausage feel and pants are no longer tight around my backside and thigh area, which - my thigh area especially, have stopped me fitting into sizes before.
I am happy about all of this. I now walk down the street with my head held high. Actually, i strut! I hold my core muscles in and pull my shoulders back and i strut. But it's time to move on now. Time to break new ground.


I have no answers for myself yet but i just wanted to get this out of my head.




I'm looking for my mojo. I'm looking to change. I don't want to start slipping back into old habits and i know there are a few new steps that need to be taken. I should probably look for my right foot as well so i can kick my own a$$ before i can even begin to take my first step.


Thanks for listening.
Thamlore
Xoxo

The bigger picture

The bigger picture



Things need to change. I've been looking at things all wrong. Trying to deal with 'My Journey' seperately from my families dealings with food. I never wanted to 'punish' the kids. i'd still buy them some of the good stuff but i do keep my biggest weakness out of the house as much as possible - potato chips, but it's not working. I keep slipping up.

So i am going to need to come up with a family game plan. Snacks. What is a healthy, cost effective snack??? or few snacks???? The kids wont be happy with exactly the same thing to eat day in day out. I usually give them 2 different things and then a piece of fruit to spread out over playlunch and lunch.
Yoghurt is not an option as we are not big fans. I'm also not sure about pumpkin/sunflower seeds. I mean......i can just imagine passing my son a 20g bag of seeds and telling him to enjoy. Come on.........he'd probably just toss them out into the backyard for the birds. Well at least the cat would be happy with that. 'ahem' ahhh....moving on

SNACK SNACK SNACK.
If i can just come up with something for everyone then i can keep temptations out of my sight. I can't think_____________________________________

*sigh* I know this is part of a larger problem. A small part of a big step.
I guess i'll leave the rest of the problem for my next blog. Time to head off to bed now and hope to fall asleep amid all these jumbled thoughts.

Thamlore
Xoxo

Changing habits.

Today i spoke to my mother and she talked me out of home made hotdogs that were planned for dinner. My first thought was that i always had a 'free meal' on friday night.
But without even going into the ....'well sometimes 'free friday night' slides into 'free saturday' then occasionally slides into 'free weekend'. I notice that my 'friday night is free' defence sounds very defensive! That must mean that somewhere in the damp, deep pit of my heart, i knew that she was right.

I must admit, i was planning to ignore her advice at first. I'd just un-burdened myself to her about yesterdays pigout and was still feeling low. And i had been looking forward to free friday since we had decided on a meal before shopping early in the week. But then, what she was saying started to hit home. I'd already had a bad day, dust myself off and move on.
I still managed to record a loss so i should be pleased and again....move on.

So i've taken her advice to heart and have already prepared my dinner, i'll have chicken salad with a small amount of lean bacon shredded up for a bit extra. Plus my favourite light dressing. Friday is also the day i allow myself a few glasses of something and mum agrees with me that i can still go ahead with that.

Now, to set the record straight......i don't live with my mother,.....she has no control over what i do and do not eat, but we have a very close relationship.

She's been very supportive of my weightloss and struggles. But i never really went into too many details with her because when i first began, she was a bit like....'None of such and such as there is too many carbs' etc.,...

But after feeling like a failure for a yo-yo effect last year, i realised things need to be different, and so i made another hopefully positive step today. I spoke to mum about my private journal, where i keep a copy of each days food intake , exercise and thoughts. I told her she could ask to see it anytime. As it will help me be more accountable. I had already told my hubby this, but i know he is less likely to do so. So i feel very proud of myself today.

I have given myself a star, for the first 3 days of this week as my eating and nutritional budget was looking good. But today is the first day of my refocused self that i have made a positive change to be proud of. And with a loss of 2.4kg this week, plus todays workout already under my belt,today feels like a much easier day to be living healthy.


xoxo
Thamlore