Quote of the week.

~What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

~ (I don't know)

With a little help from....

as well as.....

Who am i?

My photo
I'm a wife and a mother of 4. I began my 'journey' at 149+ kilos. 8 weeks ago i finally broke the magical barrier of 130 that had confounded me for so long and weighed in at 129.2. Stupid me though, i self sabotaged again and let family issues close me off to the world and i am now 134.6 again and rareing to do anything it takes to get back into new territory.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Happy, but yet Sad!

Since my last blog i have been going over a lot of different plans, angles etc... All to try and get my mojo back. Unfortunately, it can't be faked and the 'fake it to you make it' mindset doesn't seem to work for me.
So i'm going to get the crap outta my head so i can maybe create some space to gain a new perspective.

Sad Why? Well every year i manage to lose and gain the same 4-5kg. I get stuck on invisible barriers. Obviously i have some sort of psychological thing i need to break through (seeing as how i always run into brick walls) but i can't seem to figure one out. Unless it is a fear of failure? which i'm not sure i would agree with, or even how i would deal with it if that was the case. I haven't been under the 120kg barrier in at least 11 years. I'm not scared of this, but yet i am not motivated by it either. There is no fire inside me.
Now i am not complaining about my gains in regards to food. I'm not doing the right things day after day. What i am looking for is the switch. When i am focused, it is so bloody easy it's not funny....but those times are getting fewer and farther between. I cannot succeed if i am only switched on for a day or 2.
*sigh*....i have always felt that i wouldn't be overweight for the rest of my life. I knew i would one day lose the weight. There again, maybe that is the reason it took me so long to start....maybe i thought it would just all fall in to place one day. Whatever it is, i don't like it. I am even becoming lazier. Since i first began CK, i really went for it in regards to working out. I was proud of that, and proud that others now speak to me and tell me that i am probably fitter than they are , even though i am still a lot larger than them. But i seem to be falling into a hole, i have the couldn't be's........

Happy Well this is what i try to focus on. Yes i am still in the same vacinity as i was in middle of Feb, but since the start of the year i am down 2 sizes and have even realised the problems i am having with my bras is that i need smaller ones....though not smaller cup sizes . My calf area looks smaller and the muscle is now clearly seen. My face looks thinner, my fingers rarely have the fat sausage feel and pants are no longer tight around my backside and thigh area, which - my thigh area especially, have stopped me fitting into sizes before.
I am happy about all of this. I now walk down the street with my head held high. Actually, i strut! I hold my core muscles in and pull my shoulders back and i strut. But it's time to move on now. Time to break new ground.

I have no answers for myself yet but i just wanted to get this out of my head.

I'm looking for my mojo. I'm looking to change. I don't want to start slipping back into old habits and i know there are a few new steps that need to be taken. I should probably look for my right foot as well so i can kick my own a$$ before i can even begin to take my first step.

Thanks for listening.

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