Quote of the week.

~What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

~ (I don't know)

With a little help from....

as well as.....

Who am i?

My photo
I'm a wife and a mother of 4. I began my 'journey' at 149+ kilos. 8 weeks ago i finally broke the magical barrier of 130 that had confounded me for so long and weighed in at 129.2. Stupid me though, i self sabotaged again and let family issues close me off to the world and i am now 134.6 again and rareing to do anything it takes to get back into new territory.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A wonderful christmas present.

I weighed in a day early....drum roll please--------128.8.

Thats a loss of 600g this week but it's my second week in the 20's which i haven't accomplised before and  it's also a new weight number for me ( though i must have passed it on the way up).

Now to get through my christmas day, boxing day and NYE without going back into the 30's.

I've been ever so good. Got up and went to the gym this morning at some ungodly hour. My body refused to wake up but i wouldn't give in and go home. I haven't partaked of any of the delicious goodies i have been baking this last week and i have even made healthier versions where possible or just substituting any ingredients for the lower cal/fat versions other than that.

I haven't had a single sausage roll.........or almond brittle........or chocolate cherry bite (drool) And now my turkey is cooking and my stomach has to be satisfied with a measly carrot and onion sandwich - on multigrain of course :)

Oh well, only 1 more day to go.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all and if i don't hear from you before have a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Please stay safe.




~You're only young once, but you can be immature forever

~ (I don't know)

Friday, December 18, 2009

Soooooo close.

I a 20's girl :) I'll start celebrating when i can stay a 20's girl for 3 straight weeks. An 800g loss helped me out this week. Nothing to be sneezed at but i am 100g off of officially having lost 20kg on CK - Whoa....check out all the of/of/of, could have been a major spelling collision :P

The other thing is that i now have less than 50 kilos to lose.....just, but it's true. That hasn't sunk in yet, in fact the loss this week hasn't really hit me. No strutting around feeling on top of the world, more like it's a normal day. hopefully that bodes well for staying on the straight and narrow next week.

I will have a few quiet ones tonight, but nothing major and after all the exercise i have put in today and with going bread free today with my tuna salad i am still in negative cals. I think i may have to have a protein bar, no wonder i am feeling a bit tired, though with this time of the year it is to be expected.

Anywho - TGIF everyone. Be good this weekend, and if you can't.....be good at it :laugh5:


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A new day

(This blog carries on from yesterdays)

I feel great again I picked myself up from my computer chair, ate my protein bar, dropped the kids off at school and went to the gym. I decided to face evil, step on the scales and find out what damage i have to undo this week. 1.1kg. Not so much when i factor in fluid retention - which should be at least 500g. Now this means i need a 900g loss to break the barrier this week. Again, if i put in the hard work on both the nutrition and exercise fronts then that is a walk in the park ( lol, i just jinxed myself ) but we all know that bodies don't always work the way you want them to just because this week you have done the 'right thing'

I'm happy - sort of, that i managed to catch myself in time and not allow a full weekend of crap eating, otherwise it would be worse and there would be no way i could make goal. But i pushed myself hard through my workout - even got a couple of compliments and i ate well throughout the day and stayed away from the dreaded breads and drank all my fluids which awoke me twice during the night to have extra pees.

Like i said, i feel great again.....Very positive and i just wish i could rub up against everyone so that my good feelings are shared. (please think of a cat or dog for that sentence )



Monday, December 14, 2009

Damn weekends

Why do i do it?

As of Friday i was 300g off my mini goal of being back in the 20's. I fully expected a big happy dance this coming Friday as it's fairly easy to lose 300g as long as you try....right?

Roll on the weekend and it finds me pigging out big time with nothing stopping those evil inner voices who shout out 'I DON'T CARE!' Bacon and cheese rolls, meat pie, cream biscuits, doughnuts......... and that was just Saturday. I started off well on Sunday by taking a protein bar and water to cricket but it ran over a little bit so by the time i got home i was famished and all thoughts of a chicken salad for lunch were forgotten as i reached for another meat pie that could be ready in a couple of minutes :(

Thankfully for me i decided to log the calories as i knew i would have to do some calorie cycling to try and minimise the damage and when i logged my particular brand of pie in i found it to be only 12g of fat and not the normal 30+g, so i managed to save yesterday with a good choice for dinner.

Damn! I'm sabotaging myself on these damn 20's again, I stop fighting those voices and don't even try talking myself out of things. I don't know what i am frightened of. I have 2 weeks left to get to my mini goal as i set myself the task of being in the 20's by christmas ( a lovely christmas present) and with allowing myself christmas day and boxing day to partake of the treats - within reason, and then only New Years Eve so i can celebrate with bubbly among friends i hope to still be in the 20's come New Years Day. That of course would've been easier if i was a couple of kilos into the 20's by christmas.

OK done. All the bad energy is spewed out and it's time to stop wallowing and get on with this week. I have felt the switch change from gimme, gimme, gimme to head down, bum up which i guess is a positive note. Considering my old free weekends used to run through Mondays and into Tuesdays sometimes.

I hope everyone else had a better weekend than i did.



Sunday, December 6, 2009

I'm a binger :(

Boy - O - Boy

I'm halfway done with reading back through my old blogs and this is what i've come up with.

I'm the master of the schemes. How many schemes/plans of action have i come up with to try and get things flowing nicely this year???

Too Damn Many!

And i'm still barely moving. I think the biggest shock was re-reading that i was 134kg  Oct '07. I had felt that i had at least lost something in '08 because i remember starting the year around 137ish. I don't remember what weight i ended the year but thought i had at least lost a few kilos. Same with this year.

I know this year has been hard. Hubby has been out of work for most of it and it's been a struggle keeping up with all the household and school bills. The shopping has sometimes...who am i kidding, many times been sacrificed. Cheap sausages, frozen pies, frozen hamburgers plus too much bread have some weeks been the staple.

The main annoyance has been that i have put in some great work this year. My cms have decreased so that i am a dress size smaller and i have even entered virgin weight territory. But then  i sort of give up and all my hard work gets undone and i think i latch on to any and all excuses to give up :-

* The in laws are causing problems again - ahhhh take a break.

* I literally worked my ass off for 6 weeks straight - i deserve abreak.

The last line is where i came up with my title. I'm a binger. I have been sabotaging myself with my all or nothing attitude.

I've recently read that people who overeat or binge on food, have binging personalities that flow into many aspects of their lives.

I'm a binger!

* i do have times where i binge on food....and whilst i'm confessing, i'll finally confess To Myself that i have a problem with food (i'll go there later).

* I binge on housework.....I'm not a perfect housewife. There's so many other things i'd rather be doing and my house is usually cluttered tidy. Every so often i'll go through a stage where i can't stop scrubbing and vacuming or sweeping so there is no spick or speck for weeks or even months at a time.

*Healthy binging.....Even being a good little thamlore comes in binge periods. Some weeks i'm Ohhhh soooo good and not a morsel of crap passes my lips, but then there are times that i am absolutely horrid and i completely give up. My water intake is the same. Nothing but H2O all day every day and then weeks where i can't even force myself to drink more than a glass.

* Exercise binging.....Normally i exercise 3-5 days per week with the intensity ranging from sweating like a pig to slightly lagging. then there are the times where i exercise 5-7 times a week and each day see me focused like a mad women, pushing through any and all pain and so focused on a goal that when i look up after reaching it i am completely lost, and then i take a break.

SO. I believe i have a bingers personality. How do i correct it?  I'm pretty certain that fixing just my eating habits wont work.  I have no idea what to do. So i'll just take it one day at a time and see how it goes. Go back to the early days when i didn't have to be perfect everyday and i incorperated little treats into my daily cal allowance. The rest i'll have to figure out as i go along.



Tuesday, December 1, 2009

November Challenge

November is over, and the results are in.


To drink 8 glasses of water per day, including weekends.

Week beginning 16th: **XXXXX

Week beginning 23rd: *****XX

Week beginning 30th: X

NB: This challenge began halfway through the month of November.

The loss for the month.....1.8kg:-

Week one: -13th Nov 09-0.2

Week two: -16th Nov 09-1.6

Week three: -27th Nov 09-No weigh in. TTOTM

Time to get on with the December challenge.

Monday, November 30, 2009

BMI notes

I'm working on my BMI goals so i'm doing some online calcs and here are my notes :)

Original weight:
You have a BMI of 56.89.

BMI is over 40 (Obese Class 3 : Morbid Obesity)
With a BMI of 40+ you have an extremely high risk of weight-related disease and premature death. Indeed, you may have already been suffering from a weight-related condition. For the sake of your health it is very important to see your doctor and get specialists help for your condition.

Weight now:
You have a BMI of 50.6.

BMI is over 40 (Obese Class 3 : Morbid Obesity)
With a BMI of 40+ you have an extremely high risk of weight-related disease and premature death. Indeed, you may have already been suffering from a weight-related condition. For the sake of your health it is very important to see your doctor and get specialists help for your condition.

To be out of the 50's:(130)
You have a BMI of 49.54.

To be under 45: (118)
You have a BMI of 44.96

To be out of the 40's & different BMI range:(104)
You have a BMI of 39.63.

BMI is between 35-39.99 (Obese Class 2)
If you have a BMI of 35-39.99 your risk of weight-related health problems and even death, is severe. See your doctor and reduce your weight to a lower BMI.

To be under 35 & a different BMI range:
You have a BMI of 34.67.

BMI is between 30-34.99 (Obese Class 1)
Individuals with a BMI of 30-34.99 are in a physically unhealthy condition, which puts them at risk for serious ilnesses such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, gall bladder disease, and some cancers. This holds especially true if you have a larger than recommended Waist Size. These persons would benefit greatly by modifying their lifestyle. Ideally, see your doctor and consider reducing your weight by 5-10 percent. Such a weight reduction will result in considerable health improvements.

To be out of the 30's & out of the obese range:
You have a BMI of 29.72.

BMI is between 25 and 29.9 (Overweight)
Persons falling in this BMI range are considered overweight and would benefit from finding healthy ways to lower their weight, such as diet and exercise. Individuals who fall in this range are at increased risk for a variety of ilnesses. If your BMI is 27-29.99 your risk of health problems becomes higher. In a recent study an increased rate of blood pressure, diabetes and heart disease was recorded at 27.3 for women and 27.8 for men. It may be a good idea to check your Waist Circumference and compare it with the recommended limits.

To be in a healthy weight range:
You have a BMI of 24.77.

BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9 (Normal Weight)
People whose BMI is within 18.5 to 24.9 possess the ideal amount of body weight, associated with living longest, the lowest incidence of serious ilness, as well as being perceived as more physically attractive people than persons with BMI in higher or lower ranges. However, it may be a good idea to check your Waist Circumference and keep it within the recommended limits.

I don't know if i'll get down to the normal range. Right now i can't 'dream' past 80 and my main hopes are just for double digits, but i wanted to know what i am dealing with.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Finally done

So, i've finally copied all my old blogs and now i am going to pause in my perusals of other peoples blogs and see if i can find the spark in my own reflections.
Heres hoping i'll come out a little changed on the other side :)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Quote of the week.

Obesity is a mental state, a disease brought on by boredom and disappointment.

~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave


I actually saw this quote last week and wanted to use it as my quote of the week but it needed some serious thought first.

The first part is very true in my case. I eat when i am bored. When there is nothing to do, i look to my cupboard and fridge. But even when i am reading a book or watching TV i find myself wanting to eat. I don't have to be hungry, i just want to.

So the next part....disappointment. Now because the first part is true does that mean the second part had to be as well?
I mean, i am not happy with the way i look and feel. I am not happy with struggling up stairs (my weakness) and not wanting to try things like rock climbing and white water rafting because i believe my weight will be a hinderence. But i have no clue what i could be disappointed about.

*Not going further in my dance studies? - Well if i wasn't disciplined enough to push on and find a new teacher instead of giving up after 3 hopeless ones ( my old one had to resign) then i wasn't disciplined enough to be a serious dancer.

*Not settling down young and giving up on my career idea of being a journalist - there were no second thoughts when i first found out i was pregnant. I wanted that child and suddenly journalism seemed unimportant.

What else have i wanted? Nothing. I have been with the father of my first child ever since and we now have 3 more children. Apart from wishing for more money, and lets face it......most of us do that, i have nothing to be disappointed about. But it really makes me wonder.......

The first week of October saw me finish my 6 week contours challenge on a high. I had just broken my mental threshold of 130.0 and weighed in at 129.2 and when my fitness mentor looked at me i did shed A tear but then whilst i was waiting to feel more emotion about reaching a goal i felt it was all forced. I also had some negative thoughts along the lines of 'about time' and 'so what'. In six weeks i had lost 5.9kilos and 36.5cms.
I finished my workout and went home and blogged my good news.

And then what happened? - i hear you say.......(well, i'm going to blog this info that i haven't wanted to spill because i am still harbouring venom and there are certain situations right round the corner that i will need to be pleasant at)

I found out a close (in relation, not in friendship) family member was feeding disgusting rumors about me to a third party who in turn told his daughter who is my my daughters best friend and the next thing you know, My daughter is crying her eyes out asking me why i am hippocritical when i advocate being your own self and not letting friends influence you for the worst or men change you for their ideals of better. Then she hit me with it....she had been told that i had tried to kill myself over some guy and a lot of other unprintable, unsavoury stuff. I was shocked, and i felt it explained some funny looks i had been getting lately and i was able to very easily explain that these things were untrue. The first thing i did was show her my scar free wrists. She told me her best friend was taunting her about rumours that could break up our family and i told her not to worry, that i had done nothing wrong and so these things must also be untrue and then i did something i had never wanted to do and asked her to stay away from her friend. After all, after countless times being asked to not say these things this girl could only respond with, 'well you need to know what kind of mother you have, i'm only trying to protect you'. 2 weeks later i had a knock on the door had the girls parent confronting me, and i was told who was saying these things. Now after 16 years i had had enough. I've had to deal with muck raking before and i let it roll off my back but this time i took it all in and wallowed in it.

Was i such a bad person that it was my due to deal with stuff like this all the time? Was i such a horrible person that people could so easily believe this crap?

And 3 days of not being able to get to the gym because i was enjoying the last 3 days of school holidays doing family activities turned into 3 weeks of self pity and crap eating so that when i finally pulled myself up i spent another week of not going back to the gym because i was embarrassed that i had ruined all my hard work by putting 5 kilos back on. Finally, after realising it would just get worse i returned - shamefaced and less fit to struggle through the heat with getting myself on track again.

Two weeks later? My daughter is back to being friends with this girl but she is wiser now. I've lost 2 of the 5 kilos i put on, but i am struggling to stay motivated and i come across a little quote which makes me sit up and take notice....(remember the subject of this post? I know, i've wandered so far :P )

My wondering goes this way.

What am i disappointed in? I must be. There must be something buried deep down inside myself that i am blocking out because it helps me sabotage myself when i am going great by buying into all the crap and why wasn't i happy enough with my results before all this began? The month of October should never have happened, i could be 125 by now, but i sabotaged myself.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Water intake

I'm struggling to keep my water intake up at the moment. I am drinking 5-6 glasses a day but for this warm weather i need to be drinking at least 8. I guess something to work on this week.

Another busy weekend......where did the time for relaxing go? Theres no chances now with the kids all in different sports. My food wasn't good this weekend. I have always been prone to slipping on the weekends. I need to come up with ideas for food that will keep me nourished and fighting fit, not to mention be portable, for these very busy times. As for today......time to get back on the wagon and not let a bad weekend ruin what can be a great week.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Lillie Ross's Health Tip - 5/11/09

"Activity is Beneficial...
Even When You Do Only 10 Minutes at a Time"

As the busy holiday season approaches, it is
Most important that we NOT neglect our
activity (exercise) regimen. Yes, we know it
is difficult to find the time to fit it into
our busy lives.

We have mentioned before that you do not have
to find time to complete your activity in one
session during the day. According to the
University of California, Berkley Wellness
Letter, an Irish study of sedentary people in
their mid- forties, short periods of activity
can yield the same physical and psychological
benefits as longer workouts.

They compared the effects of one brisk 30
minute walk with three brisk 10 minute walks
that were spread out during the day. Both
groups participated 5 days a week for six weeks.
Both groups showed similar improvement in blood
cholesterol levels and aerobic ability.

Also there were decreases in tension and anxiety
in both groups. And they concluded, that as in
previous studies, the total number of calories
that are expended in physical activity seems to
be the most important factor!

We found another activity and caffeine related
Article in Bottom Line newsletter that was
interesting. It said that if you drink coffee
or tea 90 minutes before your activity, the
caffeine stimulates the release of free fatty
acids, which the body uses for energy during

This leads to fat loss. The recommended amount
was about 200 milligrams of caffeine which is
about one mug of coffee or three cups of black

As always check with your doctor before adding
anything or activity to your weight loss program.

Also, we need to keep our activity as an important
part of our weight loss program during this time
when food is so abundantly a part of everything
we do. It is the help we need to use up those
extra calories from those special foods that we
might choose to eat in the weeks to come.

Here's to slimming down and feeling great!


(If you would like to check out Lillie Rosses site for yourself, click on the title of the post.)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A new week

Week two and i'm off to a great start. A big check in all 3 columns regarding food, exercise and water. It's been a struggle though. It's the end of the pay week and the food left in my house is unappealing. I struggled through yesterday but i almost gave into temptation and opened a bag of cornchips i have put away. Almost, but haven't.

When does it get better?

I have heard that it takes 28 days to form a habit, but i have no knowledge of this being true when it comes to myself. I'll have to menu plan tomorrow. I know my best chance of success for losing the next 10kg is to plan, it's just something i'm a little sucky at. I think i'll have pita bread pizzas on Friday night, when we normally have some sort of takeaway. That way i wont be swayed from my healthier choices like i sometimes am when i am confonted by the menu board. Now what was that saying about not needing willpower, we need Wontpower? Does it come in a can? Coz i'd buy some of that.:)


Low fat protein bar recipe


40g Rolled Oats
35g Whey Protein (I use Chocolate)
20ml Honey or 'Set' Honey
20ml Water


Add oats and whey into a bowl and mix together by hand.

If using 'set' honey, put into the microwave for 30 seconds to soften

Drizzle honey onto the oats mix

Add water to the mixture

Mix together thoroughly by hand

Add more water if necessary but you dont want it to go gooey

Shape it into bar form and either eat straight away or refrigerate for an hour or so to harden.

Nutritional Info

Calories - 339
Protein - 35g
Carbs - 43g
Fat - 3g

Thursday, November 12, 2009

See that skinny girl, that was me.

Sorting through some junk had me coming across some old photos. My kids were stunned to learn that 'mummy really was skinny' and no, she hadn't been spinning a yarn whenever she said that 'she was skinny when she was younger'. So that got me thinking. What would i tell younger me when the expansion began?

I know exactly when that moment occured. I was between 15 and 16 and it was the first year of not doing my hobbies. I was a size 10-12 on my bottom half and a size 14-16 (big chest had me covering up in the baggies) top half. My mother had noticed that with some of my allowance i was buying a lot of junkfood and that my stomach was a little podgier than before and that even though it was, so far, no big deal, if i didn't watch out i would stack on the weight. You see, my mother also has a weight problem although she is a lot smaller now than she used to be. I don't think she said it with any ill intent but it seems that that was the one way in which i would rebel and i did the normal teenage thing and went on the defensive. I started buying my junk food on the way to school, and if i bought something on the way home then i would just have to make sure it was finished before i got there. By the way, the shop is less than 800 steps from my old house, (My first foray into exercise had me counting steps and upping them by 1000 every week so counting my paces whilst i was walking was a constant thing then.) so that was some quick eating. This is also the point where my coke (cola) addiction began.

(Wow, reading this as i'm typing shows me where my bingeing behaviour started.)

I don't blame my mother.....she had my best interests at heart but i wish i could just go and shake younger me and tell her to wake up and smell the twistie powder, I was forming bad habits and i needed to learn about moderation. Skip forward a year and when i was upset and miserable about my weight i should have asked my mother for help in shifting it. Thats the best piece of advice i always give to mothers who are worrying about thier childrens weight....that I, and those mothers who also have a weight problem know how hard it is to stay good, and how much easier it would be to hand over all the control over the decisions of what to put into our mouths to someone who isn't dealing with a 'rumbly tumbly' or food cravings. How much easier it is to be told to eat what is put in front of you than 'No, i really shouldn't make a creamy pasta, deep fry my chips or have cream with my piece of triple choc cake. (For the record, only the hot chips part are my thing :D )

But did i ask my mother for help?

Of course not.

What have i learned from these past reflections? Not 'how not to binge' because i still have problems with this from time to time. Not 'how to ask for help' because i haven't, even now, gone to see a doctor about making sure i don't have any medical issues that he can help with that may ease some of the burden of my battle. Not even, ashamedly, the right/wrong way of bringing up future problems with my own daughters. I nag when i see them eating crap food too often, or when they've had one too many sugary soft drinks. I nag them when they are lounging about the house instead of being up and outside and moving. I haven't even learned to practise what i preach and remove most of the unhealthy food from the house so that my children only have access to healthy treats and the healthy meals i put in front of them. I'm aware that i may cause my daughters to follow the same path as me if i don't watch my wording carefully and i go out of my way to phrase things just right. I let them know that they can tell me if they think i am being too harsh on them and that my 'careful phrasing' is still hurtful.......

Right now i think that the most positive thing that i can and am doing is to point the the girl in the picture and say - See that skinny girl, that was me.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Day 2 in blogland.

Well i'm feeling very positive about how i am progressing and I hope this feeling sticks around for a while. I'm having fun experimenting with my page. It's like moving furniture around without the effort.

There's 2 more days till weigh in and i'm not sure how i'll go. I wasn't fully 'into it' over the weekend and what with the heat i feel very fluidy. I need to make sure that whatever happens i don't let it ruin my next week, and to not dwell on it and let it ruin the next 2 days. After all.....who knows.


P.S Re; Inspiration section
Don't pay attention to my inspirational posts at the moment. I'm bookmarking any site that looks interesting and plan on thoroughly checking them out over the next week.

urggg, arggg

Another gym session over and done with and all i can say is - refer to title.

Isn't there supposed to be a button to turn the heat down while we heat our bodies up? If not, point me to the suggestion box coz i have some suggesting to do. :)

Oh well, it's my own fault really. If i didn' t let 'somebody' get to me then i wouldn't have hidden from the world, my scales, and the gym for a month and i would be handling this better. Back straight, shoulders back, smile in place.....check, check and check. Positive thoughts - I am back to working out, my food is alright and i'm looking at new ways to keep the wheels turning, hence the new blog. I've also made myself a motivational wall where i can keep track of my goals and successes, another thing to keep me focused. I can't tell you if it's working though, it's only been a couple of days, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

On an unrelated topic....i know $1 in the thought wavering jar, ( very wavering as it turns out. I'll have to edit the thought in when i remember it again :0 )

Well, back to the original topic, working out in this heat is quite uncomfortable. Besides the fact that i am sweaty before i even walk in the door, halfway through my circuit i'm too scared to lift my arms over my head everytime the fans turn my way as it would be a little mortifying to watch people making p-eww faces and pinching their noses. I mean, serveral times i've nearly knocked myself out when my arms have been flapping about and the wind is  just right - just wrong?.

The good thing about the heat is that i am craving salads (though unfortunately bread as well) and drinking plenty of water. My head knows that water is part of the basic weightloss forumla for every body, it's just hard to convince my former coke-aholic tastebuds to comply. Thank god for coke zero, though next week is the restart of the no softdrink during the week regime. Wait, i think i hear something......it sounded like 4 children trying to come up with reasonable excuses as to why they shouldn't have to forgo the sugary sweet stuff and drink more of that non tasting see through liquid. Well all but the youngest who prefers water most of the time as well as carrot sticks. Hello reincarnated weightloss consultant. She's excellent at the ' you look really good, you can really see the difference'  spiel. Kids, you gotta love them.

*sigh* Still no closer to remembering my wandering thought. It must've been a lie. Alright i'll end here and come back to it when/IF i remember.

Till next time



Tuesday, November 10, 2009

After a short and relatively painfree labour, welcome to the world - Life on the downsize.

Not another weightloss blog???

Yes, sorry.

My weightloss has started to stagnate of late and i figured it was time to try something new in the hopes i'd 'keep on keeping on'. Many successful 'losers' have found that spewing forth their thoughts and feelings helps them resolve their issues and vent their frustrations. 

So what does the world have to gain from my insights?

Probably nothing, hopefully the realisation that I, and others like me are not alone. Hopeful we all have something to lose.....our excess weight. Other than that, maybe i just like to hear the sound of my own voice - or is that the typing of my own keys? (shhhh, it's a secret.Keep it to yourslef okay?)

It's time to get moving.  I'm tired of the same old, same old.



EDIT: I am adding old blogs from CK to this blog page as it is much easier to access old blogs in this format and i would prefer to have them all in the one spot for times i need to read back through to find my mojo.
Anything prior to this date has been copied and pasted from CalorieKing, but i have found a way to backdate them to keep them in order :)

Sunday, October 18, 2009


~I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!
~Author Unknown

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Bad weekend

Why is it sometimes so bloody easy to stay on track, and at other times so easy to let it all go?

I had a bad weekend It's going to do some damage and i have weigh in day on Tuesday. I have no idea why i did it. I know it is self sabotage but i can't put my finger on why i do these things.
Enough of the self pity.
Today i went to 'bootcamp'

By the time i finished my feet felt like they had swollen to 10x their normal size and my arches were swollen. It may have had something to do with the 3km run/jog/powerwalk interspersed with tricep dips, pushups and step ups on benches that we did for warm up. Of course, i didn't jog the whole way but i did keep pushing myself.
After getting home i had just enough energy to down a protein shake and crawl into bed where i fell asleep for nearly 3 hours. That may have had something to do with not being able to sleep last night. I saw 2am on the clock at least.

If i think about it though, i didn't have a bad weekend, just a bad Friday night/Saturday as i picked myself up and moved on today. My health budget (prot/fat/carb ratios) looks healthy today as does my cal count.
So now i am fearing just one thing..........my normal gym session tomorrow I don't wanna do it Arggggg.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I made my mini goal!

I am now officially a 20's girl. 129.2!!!!!!!
It was the last week of my 6 week check in and my weekend wasn't the very best, so much so that i thought it would be another time of sabotaging myself so i wouldn't get out of the 30's. But i did do a bootcamp this weekend ( 3kmtrack with 5 tags that needed to be collected and each one at the bottom of a set of stairs). I struggled with this bootcamp. I had blisters from hell on my feet so i only did a short of shuffling or a power walk. I decended the stairs as fast as possible because i knew i would be slower coming back up them. I still finished the whole thing, which is more than i can say for some participents, let alone those who didn't even turn up. The weather was abysmal. I felt like i was lost in the wilderness I didn't feel as tired as i liked seeing as i couldn't push myself to do more than shuffle, but at least i did it.
Yesterday, because i couldn't bear to put my runners on, i did a countours session at home. Using my hand weights when i would be using a machine and my daughter to keep time and tell me when to 'change stations'.
I get up this morning thinking that the singapore noodles for dinner on Sat( it did fit into cals) and the finger food at a family thing on Sun (did not fit in )was going to kill me with the excess fluid i was feeling.
But it didn't!
I lost 1.2kg and another 8 cms, giving my a total of 5.9kg and (36.5)cms in 6 weeks.
My mini goal to get out of the 30's and into the 20s was reached, as was my 2 other goals, to fit into a smaller sized 22 pants (tighter than normal 22 and i couldn't do them up before i started) and to finish the challenge this time. I'm elated, of course but my new goal is to keep going and get further along in my weightloss goals. Which reminds me......time to make a new one

Til next time.

EDIT: I just realised i've hit the 20kg lost mark. MY official CK start weight being 149.3 (didn't know we had to add the point something) But considering when i first decided to do something about myself because 150kg scales didn't register.....who knows what the true total is.
I think i'm gonna cry Silly tears of pride.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Sooooo close

Week 5 weigh in of my 6 week challenge

After a small gain last week due to TTOTM, this weeks results are in.
2.0kg and 10cms loss
That is a grand total of 4.8kg and 28.5 all up.

Boy do i feel great about that. That gives me 1 more week to make my challenge mini goal, and CK mini goal of being in the 120's which is to lose 500g. It sounds so easy, but the easy times are when i seem to falter. Well. I'm sticking to what has been working so far, positive thinking....the belief that i can do what i set out to do, that i can change my life.l
If i put in the time and the effort, that it can be done. (Fingers crossed)


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

week 4 check in.

My first gain.
700g and 3cms. I should be upset but considering it was TTOM and i can gain up to 3kg i'm still fine. The funny thing is that the cms gained were in my boobs (i would guess that), my arms and thighs, which i wouldn't have counted on. I would've thought my waist and hips instead.
I pushed on though and had a great workout after measuring, went home and completed a good food diary and went to sleep feeling positive.
It was even better today when i felt less bloated and my gym session was out of this world thanks to a well time positve comment about how good i am looking at the moment. I flicked off those old negative - 'as opposed to looking like crap normally?' thoughts, and am really trying extra hard to stay positive. I'm still not a personal mantra person, but any slip ups i have had the past few weeks haven't lasted long due to mentally picking myself up and dusting off.

2 weeks to go now till the end of challenge. Time to power up the home straight

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

week 3 check in.

Well so far so good. I'm down another 1.3 kilos ,add to that another 4.5 cms lost bringing me to a grand total of 3.5kgs and 21.5cms in 3 weeks.
I need to refocus on my food again though. A little too much bread and too little water in the latter days of last week. I'm half way there and i WILL NOT be faltering now. (grrr face)

As for my weight. Well as you can see i've just minused 5.3 and that is not the same as 1.3 or even 3.5. The gyms scales have always been a little different, but my scales have been reading 137 for almost 2 months now, and considering the gym scales have shown a loss, and so does the tape measure and my clothes i thought, Stuff It....have given them up for dead and will have to continue with the gym scales for all my check ins.

Soooo, for the next 3 weeks my plan is to keep doing what i have been doing (with less bread of course) and not dwell on any negatives, continue focusing on the positives and incorperating at least 2 snacks into my day to add to my 3 meals. This seems to be keeping my eating habits under control. (Who knew )

I've found some recipes for protein bars, i'm going to have to make some to keep my protein intake up as i am feeling a little tired lately, but i just keep slogging through.

Hope your week has been great.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Day 9 of 6WC

Day 9 of 6WC

So it was weigh and measure day.
I'm down 1.5kg and 9cms.

And the best thing is that i am still feeling motivated. I've gone back to the eating 5-6 times a day rule - 3 meals, 2-3 snacks. I don't really feel hungry, but my problem has always been snacking because i am bored so i still have to watch out for that.
I had a good session at the gym.....i'm halfway through my daily water intake, so all in all life is feeling good for me.
Oh, i did have a pessamistic moment when i overheard someone had lost 1.9kg. But i told that inner demon to shut the hell up as i had just had a week to be proud of and got a good result as a reward.

I know it can't be the same everyweek.....i'm hoping for 4cms next week. I don't think that is too much to hope for.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Day 2 of a 6 week challenge

I should have blogged this yesterday but i was quite busy.

I joined my local contours 6 week challenge which started yesterday. And boy did i get off to a good start. I'm in the evening of my second day and i am bang on the right cals...now just to keep focused until i go to bed.

My main goal for this challenge is to see it through. I've been too wishy washy for the last year. I haven't stuck with any good eating habits. Now it's only day 2 but i am trying to stay positive. I'm not usually one for the warm fuzzy motivational thoughts. It has always seemed to hokey for me but i am willing to try anything....whatever it takes to get me moving in a downwards motion again.

I've upped my weights again, and boy - o - boy do my thighs hurt.

Till next time

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The end of the week

Well i've done OK this week. Nothing special but i'm not 'in the zone' so i cant complain. A Small loss, which is better than the gains of norm.

I've signed up for my local contours 6 week challenge again.
The last one was a bit of a failure as i gave up halfway through. I'm hoping this will give me a kick in the pants.
It's a little different this time.......we'll be having 3 bootcamp style sessions in the 6 weeks and we'll be assigned a 'mentor' from one of the trainers which is a good idea.

I just tried on a shirt/blouse. Now to say i fit into a size 26 shirt is not a big deal, size 26 being my original size and i am now 22-ish, but if you knew that i have not been able to fit into anything that comes together with buttons in the front for about 12 years now should help you to see that this is a big deal for me. Plus there is no gape. Unfortunately i am not a fan of clothes with buttons up the front any longer....probably because they have been out for me for so long, i only put it on like a jacket as i am slighlty chilled but not cold.
Note to self: hold onto the happy feelings for as long as possible.

Hmmmmm, gotta end up here. At least for now. Kids are calling.

i CAN change my world.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday, 31st Jul 2009


Well my dinner yesterday was good but things quickly slipped into old habits after that. Grrr.

Today has so far been good. I've already been to the gym and run a few errands.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Project me


Day 2.
I've woken up feeling good today. Something that hasn't happened in a while. I'm hoping that i can keep this going.


Food has stayed on track so far. Stuck to water for drinking. Probably wont make it to the gym though, my head is killing me.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Up or down?


I'm deep in a black hole right now. Standing on a ledge somewhere between the bottom and the top.
I'm hoping to start climbing back out instead of sliding down any further.

It's time to start using my blog again and hope it can shed some light on my crap.


I made it to the gym today, and i actually felt more energised whilst doing my circuit. I have also been doing well with the water today, and actually, come to think of it.....winter last year saw me struggling with my water input and also with my weightloss (although not as bad as this time)


Hmmm, not much fat dribbles out of skinless chicken thigh. I bought a sandwich press a few weeks ago and have had fun seeing all the fat run out of things like sausages and steak.....but like i said, hardly anything comes out of skinless chicken thigh and the colour of it is different.

What have i done today to make me feel proud?
Made my water intake. I've drunk more water today than i have in the last 2 months
I had no coke zero yesterday.

Remember: I can change my world.


Monday, July 27, 2009


~Don't let your limitations exist.

~ Anon

Sunday, May 24, 2009

What comes first, the motivation or the habit?

I'm pretty sure everyone around CK understands how important motivation is. It makes weight loss almost easy when we have it in abundance. But what about when it has left us?
Do we need to despair? Do we need to think we will never succeed?

After coming back from my trip i started back at the gym and fell ill after a few days. 2 weeks later i felt better and when i thought about heading to the gym i had a case of the 'couldn't be's'. A bit of bad news later and all of a sudden i was looking into a 6 week, no exercise black hole.

After a call from one of my gym trainers, i went in and had a little chat. I poured out everything. Surprisingly easy really. I told her i had no excuses, and that the no exercise was supported with mostly bad diet. I ended up promising that i would be in the next day and i turned up and went through the motions. Now i'm not even going into the reduced fitness area, i'll only say that it made me furious with myself.

I struggled through that session, and the next one as well. The one after that saw me a little more up beat. It was easier to put in the effort and was also easier to think about my food choices. But i still have no motivation.

So it got me thinking....How much reliance do we place on our mojo?
Will continueing our dailing routine be enough to keep us losing until it comes back for another visit or are we just marking time? Or do new healthy habits convince Mr Mojo to visit more often and for longer?

Can we really 'fake it till we make it' ?


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Happy, but yet Sad!

Since my last blog i have been going over a lot of different plans, angles etc... All to try and get my mojo back. Unfortunately, it can't be faked and the 'fake it to you make it' mindset doesn't seem to work for me.
So i'm going to get the crap outta my head so i can maybe create some space to gain a new perspective.

Sad Why? Well every year i manage to lose and gain the same 4-5kg. I get stuck on invisible barriers. Obviously i have some sort of psychological thing i need to break through (seeing as how i always run into brick walls) but i can't seem to figure one out. Unless it is a fear of failure? which i'm not sure i would agree with, or even how i would deal with it if that was the case. I haven't been under the 120kg barrier in at least 11 years. I'm not scared of this, but yet i am not motivated by it either. There is no fire inside me.
Now i am not complaining about my gains in regards to food. I'm not doing the right things day after day. What i am looking for is the switch. When i am focused, it is so bloody easy it's not funny....but those times are getting fewer and farther between. I cannot succeed if i am only switched on for a day or 2.
*sigh*....i have always felt that i wouldn't be overweight for the rest of my life. I knew i would one day lose the weight. There again, maybe that is the reason it took me so long to start....maybe i thought it would just all fall in to place one day. Whatever it is, i don't like it. I am even becoming lazier. Since i first began CK, i really went for it in regards to working out. I was proud of that, and proud that others now speak to me and tell me that i am probably fitter than they are , even though i am still a lot larger than them. But i seem to be falling into a hole, i have the couldn't be's........

Happy Well this is what i try to focus on. Yes i am still in the same vacinity as i was in middle of Feb, but since the start of the year i am down 2 sizes and have even realised the problems i am having with my bras is that i need smaller ones....though not smaller cup sizes . My calf area looks smaller and the muscle is now clearly seen. My face looks thinner, my fingers rarely have the fat sausage feel and pants are no longer tight around my backside and thigh area, which - my thigh area especially, have stopped me fitting into sizes before.
I am happy about all of this. I now walk down the street with my head held high. Actually, i strut! I hold my core muscles in and pull my shoulders back and i strut. But it's time to move on now. Time to break new ground.

I have no answers for myself yet but i just wanted to get this out of my head.

I'm looking for my mojo. I'm looking to change. I don't want to start slipping back into old habits and i know there are a few new steps that need to be taken. I should probably look for my right foot as well so i can kick my own a$$ before i can even begin to take my first step.

Thanks for listening.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The bigger picture

The bigger picture

Things need to change. I've been looking at things all wrong. Trying to deal with 'My Journey' seperately from my families dealings with food. I never wanted to 'punish' the kids. i'd still buy them some of the good stuff but i do keep my biggest weakness out of the house as much as possible - potato chips, but it's not working. I keep slipping up.

So i am going to need to come up with a family game plan. Snacks. What is a healthy, cost effective snack??? or few snacks???? The kids wont be happy with exactly the same thing to eat day in day out. I usually give them 2 different things and then a piece of fruit to spread out over playlunch and lunch.
Yoghurt is not an option as we are not big fans. I'm also not sure about pumpkin/sunflower seeds. I mean......i can just imagine passing my son a 20g bag of seeds and telling him to enjoy. Come on.........he'd probably just toss them out into the backyard for the birds. Well at least the cat would be happy with that. 'ahem' ahhh....moving on

If i can just come up with something for everyone then i can keep temptations out of my sight. I can't think_____________________________________

*sigh* I know this is part of a larger problem. A small part of a big step.
I guess i'll leave the rest of the problem for my next blog. Time to head off to bed now and hope to fall asleep amid all these jumbled thoughts.


Friday, February 13, 2009

Changing habits.

Today i spoke to my mother and she talked me out of home made hotdogs that were planned for dinner. My first thought was that i always had a 'free meal' on friday night.
But without even going into the ....'well sometimes 'free friday night' slides into 'free saturday' then occasionally slides into 'free weekend'. I notice that my 'friday night is free' defence sounds very defensive! That must mean that somewhere in the damp, deep pit of my heart, i knew that she was right.

I must admit, i was planning to ignore her advice at first. I'd just un-burdened myself to her about yesterdays pigout and was still feeling low. And i had been looking forward to free friday since we had decided on a meal before shopping early in the week. But then, what she was saying started to hit home. I'd already had a bad day, dust myself off and move on.
I still managed to record a loss so i should be pleased and again....move on.

So i've taken her advice to heart and have already prepared my dinner, i'll have chicken salad with a small amount of lean bacon shredded up for a bit extra. Plus my favourite light dressing. Friday is also the day i allow myself a few glasses of something and mum agrees with me that i can still go ahead with that.

Now, to set the record straight......i don't live with my mother,.....she has no control over what i do and do not eat, but we have a very close relationship.

She's been very supportive of my weightloss and struggles. But i never really went into too many details with her because when i first began, she was a bit like....'None of such and such as there is too many carbs' etc.,...

But after feeling like a failure for a yo-yo effect last year, i realised things need to be different, and so i made another hopefully positive step today. I spoke to mum about my private journal, where i keep a copy of each days food intake , exercise and thoughts. I told her she could ask to see it anytime. As it will help me be more accountable. I had already told my hubby this, but i know he is less likely to do so. So i feel very proud of myself today.

I have given myself a star, for the first 3 days of this week as my eating and nutritional budget was looking good. But today is the first day of my refocused self that i have made a positive change to be proud of. And with a loss of 2.4kg this week, plus todays workout already under my belt,today feels like a much easier day to be living healthy.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Self sabotage

Self sabotage.....how do you figure out the causes behind it, so you can do your best to never do it again?

I have had a great week. Kept up my food diary and personal blogging, I feel good, my exercise has been good and my fluid has gone. The things i normally have to steel myself against i found easy to walk past. No potato chips, no dips...... I had potato chips in the house for the kids and i worried i might falter so i asked my hubby to take the pkt in his car so i wouldn't even be tempted. But it didn't matter.....i survived yesterday and even today without even touching them - though i did think of them today But today....... I faltered when i wasn't even walking down the same (metaphorical) street as my problem foods.

I went out to help my mother with the last of her shopping and to buy my girls some pretty hair things, and it's my turn to shout the coffees. Normally i have a skinny spicy chai latte, but i had one yesterday and the nutrition info was fresh in my mind so i decided that a flat skinny white would be better cal wise. My brother was with us and a tad hungry so i brought him a bowl of hot chips with gravy. My mother was picking from his bowl so i said i'd buy her some. She suggested i go halves with her and i agreed. To be honest, as soon as his food came out i was thinking the same thing, they smelled sooooo yummy.

So i was thinking, alright, i can save this. It was a small bowl, and we did go halves. If i went extra careful for the rest of the day i could salvage it. But then came crap fatty food for afternoon tea as well as dinner. WHY?

It's not the first time and it wont be the last. But i have no idea why i do these things. I mean, sure i know i doubt that i can really succeed, but there needs to be some other trigger.
I've stopped reading when i eat - my biggest downfall.
I've taken note of someone elses research about Stopping at the sigh. I notice this most of the time and stop when i do.

I'm seeing my mojo spark in the distance.....It's not close enough yet for me to be cartwheeling and splitting over but if i can get this under control.....well I may just win my battle.
What a thought.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A belated blog

Ahhh, well. I can't say the weekend was a total disaster as i started Saturday of very well, but then it kind of all went down from there. A number of factors didn't help me out but i wont go into detail as i am not making excuses. all i will say is Damn, there went my new plan of attack.

I am keeping a home blog and food diary as well because i want to keep focus more this year and do a lot better.

I finally made it back to contours yesterday for the first time this year. I wasn't able to with school hols as hubby was working overtime, and the first week of school saw me trudging around various government departments organising passports and a replacement citizenship certificate. I was born in England and moved here when i was 6 months....I feel all Aussie but unfortunately my birth cert says differently and is not even recognised here anymore. So my first contours session. I was dissappointed with them a bit as there was no chasing me up wondering where i have been for a month and a bit like they say they will when you join, but in the end....this is up to me. The beginning of next month will be my 6 month anniversary. I never thought i'd ever join a gym (many kudos here to Nessandken for allowing me to use her as a buddy coz i was too chicken to try on my own ) and i was more aware of my muscles moving when my limbs did just before my break. I was so worried about how i would feel starting back up so i lowered the weights a little to reduce soreness the next day but other than that everything went fine. My cardio fitness was great. I was struggling which i was worried about (thank you wii fit free jogging) and today i feel fine

I didn't really eat enough yesterday. Only 1300 cals instead of my 1500 and i didn't eat back exercise cals so with contours and the extra walk plus jog i did my net cals were 700 ish.
I'll have to work on that.

I was however feeling very good with myself yesterday. It was the first day i didn't feel like i was trying to fill a bottomless pit. It's been like that for a few weeks now. I'm not sure if it was the tuna hit, the lower carbs (trying to cut down on the bread again) or just my water intake has finally kicked in. I have been hitting my water goals every single day for over a week now - not counting to 2 good days 1 bad day etc...., Who knows.....i was just glad that i went to bed proud of myself for the day.

Well, i'm off to todays gym session, but i'd just like to post here that my thoughts are with those affected by the bushfires, wether directly or indirectly. Please know that you have many people praying for you and yours, and for those with loved ones still missing....we pray you find them safe soon. (hugs)


I'm a victim....yayyyyy :)

Now the title is not something people are normally happy about, but this is something i am jumping for joy over.
I can't think of the exact name right now...not body dismorphia but the one to do with clothing sizes.

I've listened to quite a few people saying how they forget to buy smaller clothes, or think they wont fit them and i keep thinking 'i wish'.
But yesterday, i needed new underwear in a hurry.The pair i was wearing were slipping and sliding and i was going straight to the gym. So i popped into K-Mart, and being the scrooge i am when it comes to spending money on myself i wouldn't fork out the $17 for one pair of full brief undies in a 24-26 when i could get 2 pairs of size 20 for $8.99.
I figured i didn't need to wear them as full briefs, i could wear them under my stomach.

So i get to the gym, take my bag to the toilet and change. Low and behold, THEY FIT. All the way up like they are supposed to. Lets just say i had a super energetic gym session. My HR went off the contours chart even and i had to slow right down. I get home, brag to my mum and hubby and the kids but i make sure they know it doesn't mean much as underwear is stretchy.

So, I'm at the gym today and i notice a woman has a nice pair of pants that she tells the instructor she brought earlier in the week at K-Mart and i think i may pick myself up a pair. Firstly, i had to remind myself that i was no longer 26 and could legitmately fit a size 24....and then i started to wonder about my new underwear. Now i realised still that underwear is extra stretchy, but i had a size 22 pair of fitted pants in the back of the wardrobe that had been passed on from my mothers friend. I get home, wipe off the sweat....AND THEY FIT TOO!

So here i am, feeling like crap over the hols and not finding my mojo, when all i needed to do was try on a pair of pants to see that i have been succeeding, just quietly, and slow and steady.

OK, sorry for boring you with my underwear story. It's just something i thought i should put down so i can re-read again when needed


P.S TGIF!!!!

P.P.S....i'm down another 800g this week, and i've been a lot more balanced in life, so even though i am still 3kg off of last Septembers lowest weight, I feel much better about my loss.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Sorting through the mess

Well, i have finally had enough.
I've slowly been putting on weight since last september....funnily enough around the time certain people came into my life that started needing all my time and energy.
I thought i could handle this spilt in my focus but it's time to bite the bullet and admit i can't.

So i'm extricating myself....not a clean break like would be best, but slowly and with as much politeness as i can manage.

It's time for me to put myself first again...or to be more specific, put my family first....because me being healthier is best for the whole family.