Oh No Its Worse Than I Thought.....

.....and i'm not even talking about the weight gain ( i've been watching it bounce around for a month now so thats not a surprise), it's the fact the my last blog - so the last time i was focused on healthy living, was 9 months ago!!!

I posted today for the first time in ages in my fav 50+ thread and i mentioned that i did do many new things last year which is what i wanted and had in my signature.....
2010 - the year to try something new!
I got off my big butt and pretended i had courage coming out of my wazoo and enrolled in a course, which gave me the knowledge and skills to land my first ever job (apart from mothering of course). I've been working for 5 months now and i saw 5kgs drop off me (from the many i had put on) easily without even trying to be healthy.
I haven't been to the gym since i started my course because to put it simply i am just too damned tired after work - which i know will be helped by weightloss. I was waiting for a time when i would feel less tired by working to maybe get back to the gym and start watching what i eat but now that my body has gotten used to how much it moves around during the day i have put 3kgs back on and i'm only 4kgs lighter than my original starting weight........ so long the rest of my 23kg loss

I've been lurking around CK for a week but wasn't feeling ready to join in, however i'm not waiting anymore, i'll only get bigger if i do. It's time to start logging everything again.....even the bad stuff......no more burying my head in the sand. It's time ti focus on what i am doing/not doing to myself.

xoxo
Tham

First Bio Age test

My new 6 week challenge starts on Monday so i had to have my Bio Age test done today.

Findings:-

Weight:-129.1

Waist:-127cm

Flexabilty:-+3

Lung capacity:-400

Fitness:-46 bpm

Push ups:-7

Core stabilty:-35 secs

The weigh in isn't too bad considering i usually weigh in first thing in the morning and the test was done late afternoon. I was pleased with my flexabilty and also with my fitness test. My beats per minute were taken after using a step for three minutes. I had to step to the beat and i was given the beat of a fit person (yayyy) which was set to 120, the others being 100 and 80. I'd have loved to be able to do more pushups but i already knew that i need more upper body strength and my core was quite good as well. My waist however is up 1cm from the last time the gym took measurements (the gym measurements being different from mine anyway which is normal) and can be explained by any number of reasons, not least of which i am due for TTOTM.

All in all i am ok with how i did....though that may change when i receive the results. I'm just not sure how i can better them though. That is, apart from the weight and waist.

I better start getting my meals planned.

Bring on the next 6 weeks.

xoxo

Tham

Quote of the week.

Obesity is a mental state, a disease brought on by boredom and disappointment.

~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I actually saw this quote last week and wanted to use it as my quote of the week but it needed some serious thought first.

The first part is very true in my case. I eat when i am bored. When there is nothing to do, i look to my cupboard and fridge. But even when i am reading a book or watching TV i find myself wanting to eat. I don't have to be hungry, i just want to.

So the next part....disappointment. Now because the first part is true does that mean the second part had to be as well?
I mean, i am not happy with the way i look and feel. I am not happy with struggling up stairs (my weakness) and not wanting to try things like rock climbing and white water rafting because i believe my weight will be a hinderence. But i have no clue what i could be disappointed about.

*Not going further in my dance studies? - Well if i wasn't disciplined enough to push on and find a new teacher instead of giving up after 3 hopeless ones ( my old one had to resign) then i wasn't disciplined enough to be a serious dancer.

*Not settling down young and giving up on my career idea of being a journalist - there were no second thoughts when i first found out i was pregnant. I wanted that child and suddenly journalism seemed unimportant.

What else have i wanted? Nothing. I have been with the father of my first child ever since and we now have 3 more children. Apart from wishing for more money, and lets face it......most of us do that, i have nothing to be disappointed about. But it really makes me wonder.......

The first week of October saw me finish my 6 week contours challenge on a high. I had just broken my mental threshold of 130.0 and weighed in at 129.2 and when my fitness mentor looked at me i did shed A tear but then whilst i was waiting to feel more emotion about reaching a goal i felt it was all forced. I also had some negative thoughts along the lines of 'about time' and 'so what'. In six weeks i had lost 5.9kilos and 36.5cms.
I finished my workout and went home and blogged my good news.

And then what happened? - i hear you say.......(well, i'm going to blog this info that i haven't wanted to spill because i am still harbouring venom and there are certain situations right round the corner that i will need to be pleasant at)

I found out a close (in relation, not in friendship) family member was feeding disgusting rumors about me to a third party who in turn told his daughter who is my my daughters best friend and the next thing you know, My daughter is crying her eyes out asking me why i am hippocritical when i advocate being your own self and not letting friends influence you for the worst or men change you for their ideals of better. Then she hit me with it....she had been told that i had tried to kill myself over some guy and a lot of other unprintable, unsavoury stuff. I was shocked, and i felt it explained some funny looks i had been getting lately and i was able to very easily explain that these things were untrue. The first thing i did was show her my scar free wrists. She told me her best friend was taunting her about rumours that could break up our family and i told her not to worry, that i had done nothing wrong and so these things must also be untrue and then i did something i had never wanted to do and asked her to stay away from her friend. After all, after countless times being asked to not say these things this girl could only respond with, 'well you need to know what kind of mother you have, i'm only trying to protect you'. 2 weeks later i had a knock on the door had the girls parent confronting me, and i was told who was saying these things. Now after 16 years i had had enough. I've had to deal with muck raking before and i let it roll off my back but this time i took it all in and wallowed in it.

Was i such a bad person that it was my due to deal with stuff like this all the time? Was i such a horrible person that people could so easily believe this crap?

And 3 days of not being able to get to the gym because i was enjoying the last 3 days of school holidays doing family activities turned into 3 weeks of self pity and crap eating so that when i finally pulled myself up i spent another week of not going back to the gym because i was embarrassed that i had ruined all my hard work by putting 5 kilos back on. Finally, after realising it would just get worse i returned - shamefaced and less fit to struggle through the heat with getting myself on track again.

Two weeks later? My daughter is back to being friends with this girl but she is wiser now. I've lost 2 of the 5 kilos i put on, but i am struggling to stay motivated and i come across a little quote which makes me sit up and take notice....(remember the subject of this post? I know, i've wandered so far :P )

My wondering goes this way.

What am i disappointed in? I must be. There must be something buried deep down inside myself that i am blocking out because it helps me sabotage myself when i am going great by buying into all the crap and why wasn't i happy enough with my results before all this began? The month of October should never have happened, i could be 125 by now, but i sabotaged myself.



xoxo
Tham

See that skinny girl, that was me.

Sorting through some junk had me coming across some old photos. My kids were stunned to learn that 'mummy really was skinny' and no, she hadn't been spinning a yarn whenever she said that 'she was skinny when she was younger'. So that got me thinking. What would i tell younger me when the expansion began?

I know exactly when that moment occured. I was between 15 and 16 and it was the first year of not doing my hobbies. I was a size 10-12 on my bottom half and a size 14-16 (big chest had me covering up in the baggies) top half. My mother had noticed that with some of my allowance i was buying a lot of junkfood and that my stomach was a little podgier than before and that even though it was, so far, no big deal, if i didn't watch out i would stack on the weight. You see, my mother also has a weight problem although she is a lot smaller now than she used to be. I don't think she said it with any ill intent but it seems that that was the one way in which i would rebel and i did the normal teenage thing and went on the defensive. I started buying my junk food on the way to school, and if i bought something on the way home then i would just have to make sure it was finished before i got there. By the way, the shop is less than 800 steps from my old house, (My first foray into exercise had me counting steps and upping them by 1000 every week so counting my paces whilst i was walking was a constant thing then.) so that was some quick eating. This is also the point where my coke (cola) addiction began.

(Wow, reading this as i'm typing shows me where my bingeing behaviour started.)

I don't blame my mother.....she had my best interests at heart but i wish i could just go and shake younger me and tell her to wake up and smell the twistie powder, I was forming bad habits and i needed to learn about moderation. Skip forward a year and when i was upset and miserable about my weight i should have asked my mother for help in shifting it. Thats the best piece of advice i always give to mothers who are worrying about thier childrens weight....that I, and those mothers who also have a weight problem know how hard it is to stay good, and how much easier it would be to hand over all the control over the decisions of what to put into our mouths to someone who isn't dealing with a 'rumbly tumbly' or food cravings. How much easier it is to be told to eat what is put in front of you than 'No, i really shouldn't make a creamy pasta, deep fry my chips or have cream with my piece of triple choc cake. (For the record, only the hot chips part are my thing :D )

But did i ask my mother for help?

Of course not.

What have i learned from these past reflections? Not 'how not to binge' because i still have problems with this from time to time. Not 'how to ask for help' because i haven't, even now, gone to see a doctor about making sure i don't have any medical issues that he can help with that may ease some of the burden of my battle. Not even, ashamedly, the right/wrong way of bringing up future problems with my own daughters. I nag when i see them eating crap food too often, or when they've had one too many sugary soft drinks. I nag them when they are lounging about the house instead of being up and outside and moving. I haven't even learned to practise what i preach and remove most of the unhealthy food from the house so that my children only have access to healthy treats and the healthy meals i put in front of them. I'm aware that i may cause my daughters to follow the same path as me if i don't watch my wording carefully and i go out of my way to phrase things just right. I let them know that they can tell me if they think i am being too harsh on them and that my 'careful phrasing' is still hurtful.......

Right now i think that the most positive thing that i can and am doing is to point the the girl in the picture and say - See that skinny girl, that was me.

xoxo
Tham

Happy, but yet Sad!

Since my last blog i have been going over a lot of different plans, angles etc... All to try and get my mojo back. Unfortunately, it can't be faked and the 'fake it to you make it' mindset doesn't seem to work for me.
So i'm going to get the crap outta my head so i can maybe create some space to gain a new perspective.

Sad Why? Well every year i manage to lose and gain the same 4-5kg. I get stuck on invisible barriers. Obviously i have some sort of psychological thing i need to break through (seeing as how i always run into brick walls) but i can't seem to figure one out. Unless it is a fear of failure? which i'm not sure i would agree with, or even how i would deal with it if that was the case. I haven't been under the 120kg barrier in at least 11 years. I'm not scared of this, but yet i am not motivated by it either. There is no fire inside me.
Now i am not complaining about my gains in regards to food. I'm not doing the right things day after day. What i am looking for is the switch. When i am focused, it is so bloody easy it's not funny....but those times are getting fewer and farther between. I cannot succeed if i am only switched on for a day or 2.
*sigh*....i have always felt that i wouldn't be overweight for the rest of my life. I knew i would one day lose the weight. There again, maybe that is the reason it took me so long to start....maybe i thought it would just all fall in to place one day. Whatever it is, i don't like it. I am even becoming lazier. Since i first began CK, i really went for it in regards to working out. I was proud of that, and proud that others now speak to me and tell me that i am probably fitter than they are , even though i am still a lot larger than them. But i seem to be falling into a hole, i have the couldn't be's........


Happy Well this is what i try to focus on. Yes i am still in the same vacinity as i was in middle of Feb, but since the start of the year i am down 2 sizes and have even realised the problems i am having with my bras is that i need smaller ones....though not smaller cup sizes . My calf area looks smaller and the muscle is now clearly seen. My face looks thinner, my fingers rarely have the fat sausage feel and pants are no longer tight around my backside and thigh area, which - my thigh area especially, have stopped me fitting into sizes before.
I am happy about all of this. I now walk down the street with my head held high. Actually, i strut! I hold my core muscles in and pull my shoulders back and i strut. But it's time to move on now. Time to break new ground.


I have no answers for myself yet but i just wanted to get this out of my head.




I'm looking for my mojo. I'm looking to change. I don't want to start slipping back into old habits and i know there are a few new steps that need to be taken. I should probably look for my right foot as well so i can kick my own a$$ before i can even begin to take my first step.


Thanks for listening.
Thamlore
Xoxo

A Happy Dolphin Day

So i finally plucked up the courage to walk into my local contours gym last week. I made an appointment for today to have my assessment. Got through that all well and good and they were just about to send me on my merry way when i told them i would like to sign up right then and there.
I didn't quite have the right money so i made an appointment for my first session later on in the day and this afternoon i went in and paind.....and had my first session. For the first 3 sessions, you get trained by one of the lovely ladies so you learn how to use the machines correctly.
My lovely trainer put me through my paces - first circuit just learning the machines and second circuit doing the rebound bits as well - just a little cardio. Halfway through my second circuit i had a heart rate check and the woman realised she hadn't been working me enough! That was great to hear. The beginners levels and cardio and i was more advance than that! I would say i didn't even break into a sweat but that would be a lie. I'm one of THOSE people who sweat easily, but my heart rate wasn't elevated enough. I got through it all and even made appointments for my next 2 'trained' sessions. Tomorrow and Monday.
I was asked if i wanted to take advantage of them measuring me and after admitting i found that horrifying, i agreed. Whatever keeps me moving (losing?) right?
So, my 'happy dolphins' are here. The only thing i feel is a slight heaviness in my muscles. Hopefully i pull up well as my session is for the morning tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it.
Have a good one
Thamlore
Xoxo

Meeting the guru.

Well that is the name we came up with for Julie (jigsaw). The guru. BTW morethan50 group.....you are all required to chip in next time to buy her a guru bus We'll see her touring nationally as a living soon.
After laughing pretty much all the way during our trip to melb we....and i do mean Ness as she did all the driving - thank you very much lovey, picked Julie up to take her to the meet, although we sort of got.....hmmmmmm, not lost, just scenic. By the time we got there my face was hurting from all the laughing and we were all worried about Jo (Joleb) as she was the only person who was going to make it on time and we ended up being 45 mins late. Thankfully she didn't give up on us and found us at the cafe not long after we arrived. Soon after Lisa(LHewitt) arrived and we decided to order drinks as we waited for Sami(primmy85).
Now to say the service was bad is to be too polite. It took 2 hours to have A coffee, lunch and recieve the check. Now it only took 20 mins to consume lunch and we only waited about that, maybe even less before we asked for the check, so imagine what was going on the other 1 hour 20 mins.
Then there was the skinny blonde waitress, who when she was asked if the skinny latte would be made with skim milk or the 2% fat milk replied...........I don't bother with that, i go to a gym. Pffffft, she nearly got herself slapped by five women all at the same time After FINALLY recieving our coffees we were offered3 other rounds that didn't belong to us.
Ness was great to take along, after she collected the check - who knows how much longer we would have had to wait if we left it to the waitress to bring, she calmly and politely told the manager she thought the service was bad - to which he said they had only just taken over. My thoughts.......Give it back! hmmmmmm We did manage to keep our humor though.
The scenery was beautiful and the company was great. Sammi and her friend found great joy in just taking off their shoes and standing on the soft green grass, something we all rarely see nowadays.. Jo turned up for the second time.....sorry Jo, and i recognised her from her avatar. She has such a lovely smile, it just shines, she looked absolutely amazing as well. Lisa, was bright and summery and it was lovely to see her up close as you don't get to see much of her from her avatar. Katt, who i had already met was a giggly little thing, and we got to meet her darling babies from her piccie, soooo cute. Ness just oozes soooooo much confidence, she shines. I now know why she had no problems just rocking up and doing so many different gym classes - something i was able to manage without a buddy. And yes..... i was surprised to find her fitting in a workout in before hand though i shouldn't have been. Her simple answer.......i want to say i have done it everyday and if i don't fit it in now, i may not be able to after. Simple. Julie looked bloody amazing. Although i should have guessed that the little gym machine, and she is such a softly spoken lady., sorry, softly spoken guru
All in all a wonderful day, it is great to put faces to names and it was amazing at how we all just seemed so easy and comfortable with each other. I know we chat and all, but to find no uncomfortable silences etc..... surprised me. Lots of chatting and laughter was had by all. I must apologize though.......i know i talk too much, i always have. Hopefully your ears have fully recovered


a bientot
Thamlore

Operation snapped tendon !

Well i am one hand typing. I have just gotten back having my op for a snapped tendon. I'm in a cast for the next 6 weeks. That means no more push ups and no swimming so i'll fail those goals on my spreadsheet. I can still do sit ups and crunches though as hands are not needed and i don't pull on my neck so it doesn't matter if one is missing from behind my head. I'll have to see with lunges as i usually balance with one hand on a wall or chair. I've been at the hosp since 6 this morn and have only gotten in 2200 steps so far Can't believe such a small little thing that didn't even hurt has been so much trouble.
The good thing is i could give a weight that was almost 15kg lighter than the start of the year. My blood pressure and heart rate was taken and i was told it was all in a healthy range and after had good circulation flowing through my fingers. I'm going to be using the fact that i had to disclose my weight, wear a hospital gown that didn't close and be wheeled about in a wheelchair with the poor nurse huffing and puffing as fuel to drive me further. Oh, and needing arm bits put onto the narrow operating table as i took up the bed and had nowhere to place my arms. Another plus is that everything went smoothly, woke up 20 mins later with no nausea or dizziness and was ready to go home then and there. Healthy living yeah! They thought my weight might cause probs as the couple of guys who went in before set all the surgerys back quite a while due to complications.

Anyway, enough now. Just feeling very happy and proud of my new healthy lifestyle.

Beginning

OMG this is so scary.. Being overweight for me has always been about hiding. Hiding behind baggy clothes, others in photos, alcohol for a bit of courage on social occasions. Hiding, hiding hiding. Still now i am hiding behind a screen name but i can't bring myself to make that final step. Although i have now advertised my weight on here. It even took me till xmas last year (and more alcohol) to tell my hubby of 9 years(partner of 14 -it's also important for me to add that coz we lived together since 1 year in) to tell him my real weight.
I'm not really sure where it started. I was a dancer for all my child hood until 15. I was super skinny and could eat everything and anything. Due to the school finishing i had to stop my dancing, and i guess the love of finally being able to spend time with my mates and being less active and still eating what i needed to when my energy outake was higher, i know this happened here. But most people i know have some sort of emotional trigger. This doesn't seem like enough.
So here i am on the threshold of my cupboard, taking little baby steps.
This is my beginning! I weigh 149 kgs. I am now no longer content to just watch life, i want to live it