Obesity is a mental state, a disease brought on by boredom and disappointment.
~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
I actually saw this quote last week and wanted to use it as my quote of the week but it needed some serious thought first.
The first part is very true in my case. I eat when i am bored. When there is nothing to do, i look to my cupboard and fridge. But even when i am reading a book or watching TV i find myself wanting to eat. I don't have to be hungry, i just want to.
So the next part....disappointment. Now because the first part is true does that mean the second part had to be as well?
I mean, i am not happy with the way i look and feel. I am not happy with struggling up stairs (my weakness) and not wanting to try things like rock climbing and white water rafting because i believe my weight will be a hinderence. But i have no clue what i could be disappointed about.
*Not going further in my dance studies? - Well if i wasn't disciplined enough to push on and find a new teacher instead of giving up after 3 hopeless ones ( my old one had to resign) then i wasn't disciplined enough to be a serious dancer.
*Not settling down young and giving up on my career idea of being a journalist - there were no second thoughts when i first found out i was pregnant. I wanted that child and suddenly journalism seemed unimportant.
What else have i wanted? Nothing. I have been with the father of my first child ever since and we now have 3 more children. Apart from wishing for more money, and lets face it......most of us do that, i have nothing to be disappointed about. But it really makes me wonder.......
The first week of October saw me finish my 6 week contours challenge on a high. I had just broken my mental threshold of 130.0 and weighed in at 129.2 and when my fitness mentor looked at me i did shed A tear but then whilst i was waiting to feel more emotion about reaching a goal i felt it was all forced. I also had some negative thoughts along the lines of 'about time' and 'so what'. In six weeks i had lost 5.9kilos and 36.5cms.
I finished my workout and went home and blogged my good news.
And then what happened? - i hear you say.......(well, i'm going to blog this info that i haven't wanted to spill because i am still harbouring venom and there are certain situations right round the corner that i will need to be pleasant at)
I found out a close (in relation, not in friendship) family member was feeding disgusting rumors about me to a third party who in turn told his daughter who is my my daughters best friend and the next thing you know, My daughter is crying her eyes out asking me why i am hippocritical when i advocate being your own self and not letting friends influence you for the worst or men change you for their ideals of better. Then she hit me with it....she had been told that i had tried to kill myself over some guy and a lot of other unprintable, unsavoury stuff. I was shocked, and i felt it explained some funny looks i had been getting lately and i was able to very easily explain that these things were untrue. The first thing i did was show her my scar free wrists. She told me her best friend was taunting her about rumours that could break up our family and i told her not to worry, that i had done nothing wrong and so these things must also be untrue and then i did something i had never wanted to do and asked her to stay away from her friend. After all, after countless times being asked to not say these things this girl could only respond with, 'well you need to know what kind of mother you have, i'm only trying to protect you'. 2 weeks later i had a knock on the door had the girls parent confronting me, and i was told who was saying these things. Now after 16 years i had had enough. I've had to deal with muck raking before and i let it roll off my back but this time i took it all in and wallowed in it.
Was i such a bad person that it was my due to deal with stuff like this all the time? Was i such a horrible person that people could so easily believe this crap?
And 3 days of not being able to get to the gym because i was enjoying the last 3 days of school holidays doing family activities turned into 3 weeks of self pity and crap eating so that when i finally pulled myself up i spent another week of not going back to the gym because i was embarrassed that i had ruined all my hard work by putting 5 kilos back on. Finally, after realising it would just get worse i returned - shamefaced and less fit to struggle through the heat with getting myself on track again.
Two weeks later? My daughter is back to being friends with this girl but she is wiser now. I've lost 2 of the 5 kilos i put on, but i am struggling to stay motivated and i come across a little quote which makes me sit up and take notice....(remember the subject of this post? I know, i've wandered so far :P )
My wondering goes this way.
What am i disappointed in? I must be. There must be something buried deep down inside myself that i am blocking out because it helps me sabotage myself when i am going great by buying into all the crap and why wasn't i happy enough with my results before all this began? The month of October should never have happened, i could be 125 by now, but i sabotaged myself.
Who am i?
- I'm a wife and a mother of 4. I began my 'journey' at 149+ kilos. 8 weeks ago i finally broke the magical barrier of 130 that had confounded me for so long and weighed in at 129.2. Stupid me though, i self sabotaged again and let family issues close me off to the world and i am now 134.6 again and rareing to do anything it takes to get back into new territory.
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