Who am i?
- I'm a wife and a mother of 4. I began my 'journey' at 149+ kilos. 8 weeks ago i finally broke the magical barrier of 130 that had confounded me for so long and weighed in at 129.2. Stupid me though, i self sabotaged again and let family issues close me off to the world and i am now 134.6 again and rareing to do anything it takes to get back into new territory.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
See that skinny girl, that was me.
Sorting through some junk had me coming across some old photos. My kids were stunned to learn that 'mummy really was skinny' and no, she hadn't been spinning a yarn whenever she said that 'she was skinny when she was younger'. So that got me thinking. What would i tell younger me when the expansion began?
I know exactly when that moment occured. I was between 15 and 16 and it was the first year of not doing my hobbies. I was a size 10-12 on my bottom half and a size 14-16 (big chest had me covering up in the baggies) top half. My mother had noticed that with some of my allowance i was buying a lot of junkfood and that my stomach was a little podgier than before and that even though it was, so far, no big deal, if i didn't watch out i would stack on the weight. You see, my mother also has a weight problem although she is a lot smaller now than she used to be. I don't think she said it with any ill intent but it seems that that was the one way in which i would rebel and i did the normal teenage thing and went on the defensive. I started buying my junk food on the way to school, and if i bought something on the way home then i would just have to make sure it was finished before i got there. By the way, the shop is less than 800 steps from my old house, (My first foray into exercise had me counting steps and upping them by 1000 every week so counting my paces whilst i was walking was a constant thing then.) so that was some quick eating. This is also the point where my coke (cola) addiction began.
(Wow, reading this as i'm typing shows me where my bingeing behaviour started.)
I don't blame my mother.....she had my best interests at heart but i wish i could just go and shake younger me and tell her to wake up and smell the twistie powder, I was forming bad habits and i needed to learn about moderation. Skip forward a year and when i was upset and miserable about my weight i should have asked my mother for help in shifting it. Thats the best piece of advice i always give to mothers who are worrying about thier childrens weight....that I, and those mothers who also have a weight problem know how hard it is to stay good, and how much easier it would be to hand over all the control over the decisions of what to put into our mouths to someone who isn't dealing with a 'rumbly tumbly' or food cravings. How much easier it is to be told to eat what is put in front of you than 'No, i really shouldn't make a creamy pasta, deep fry my chips or have cream with my piece of triple choc cake. (For the record, only the hot chips part are my thing :D )
But did i ask my mother for help?
Of course not.
What have i learned from these past reflections? Not 'how not to binge' because i still have problems with this from time to time. Not 'how to ask for help' because i haven't, even now, gone to see a doctor about making sure i don't have any medical issues that he can help with that may ease some of the burden of my battle. Not even, ashamedly, the right/wrong way of bringing up future problems with my own daughters. I nag when i see them eating crap food too often, or when they've had one too many sugary soft drinks. I nag them when they are lounging about the house instead of being up and outside and moving. I haven't even learned to practise what i preach and remove most of the unhealthy food from the house so that my children only have access to healthy treats and the healthy meals i put in front of them. I'm aware that i may cause my daughters to follow the same path as me if i don't watch my wording carefully and i go out of my way to phrase things just right. I let them know that they can tell me if they think i am being too harsh on them and that my 'careful phrasing' is still hurtful.......
Right now i think that the most positive thing that i can and am doing is to point the the girl in the picture and say - See that skinny girl, that was me.
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